ATM thieves almost seem to be a trope of stupid criminal stories. Every television show based on the subject features some idiot trying to either break into an ATM, or just take it with them, causing massive amounts of destruction in the process. You can't have slapstick comedy without a punch in the nuts, and you can't have dumb criminal stories without the infamous ATM thief. After reading this story, I'm sure you'll agree these suspects deserved a good punch in the nuts, themselves.
It was early on Tuesday, May 30, 2016, in Everett, Washington. The sun hadn't even risen in the coastal town quite yet. According to SmoothRadio.com, police and firefighters were called to a fire at a local bank. Fox13 reported that the Coastal Community Bank on 19th Avenue SE had experienced an attempted robbery, resulting in the fire. After reviewing the surveillance footage, police were unsure whether to laugh or just shake their heads.
Two men were seen on the tape, one identified as being 31-year-old Jason Kovar. The other unidentified man was wearing a black Monster hoodie. The two can be seen on footage available on YouTube taking a blowtorch to the drive-up ATM at the bank. They actually managed to melt the metal frame encasing the cash they were after. Once they got through, they ended up burning all of the money inside with the blowtorch they used to get in. In a panicked attempt to save the cash, Kovar began to urinate on it. He quickly jumped back from the flames, but Fox13 reported that it wasn't clear if he was burnt.
This wasn't the first attempted robbery at Coastal Community Bank that month. Just a few weeks before having their ATM set on fire, two masked men had tried to break into the bank's cash deposit box. Attaching one end of a rope to the drop box and the other to a pickup truck, they tried to yank the machine from the wall and take it with them. Clearly, these men thought the show, World's Dumbest Criminals, was a how-to of some sort. Several attempts proved fruitless, the final ending in a grand puff of smoke and debris.
As it turns out, Jason Kovar was not only suspected of the previous botched robbery, but several other commercial burglaries in Snohomish County. From the sound of it, this guy may very well make another appearance in this series. Kovar and his accomplice made off without a dime that morning, but they caused an estimated $35,000 worth of damage between the building, the ATM, and the burned cash. He also has his stupidest idea ever posted to YouTube for the entire world to see.
Some takeaways from this story: If every stupid criminal show in the world has taught us anything, it's that you can't just rob or steal an ATM. Plenty have tried and very publicly failed. It's also just pure idiocy to use a blowtorch to burn your way to the paper money you're trying to steal. The same logic that went into the planning of this robbery was clearly applied to their attempt at saving the flaming bundles of cash. If anything can be taken from this story, it's that crime has no chance at all of paying. Especially when you set the money on fire and piss on it.